A Eulogy for Chavez
Our good friend, the great leader of the magnificent people of Venezuela, Hugo Chavez, has passed away. A day of mourning for all of us, but if you’re one of those pesky American pigs, you’ll probably be out in the street celebrating, unshackled of the fear brought upon you by the defiance that was symbolized in this great person, who will be remembered eternally.
I, as a political science major, have tried to be like you, oh great leader. During some elaborate software emulations, I ruined the islands of Tropico. I don’t know how you did it, but you remained in power. That’s more than I can say.
Fighting with rebels, surviving natural disasters, keeping every faction in my country happy… It was hard. You seemed to be perfectly able to balance these things, as if you were born to rule. You defied any foreign interference in your country. You became friends with Fidel and Raul Castro.
You got cancer. You lost your hair. You got even fatter. Somehow, this made the people love you even more. And now you are dead. What is Venezuela going to do now? They are going to be lost without you, oh great leader. You will be missed.
Requiescat in Pace; Felix Dicit.